I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Woody Allen

Well, its that time again. Time to ponder, plan, spend and regret, in that order, for Valentine’s Day.

The holiday that is, in theory, the most romantic day of the year. Which means, of course, that it is the least romantic day in the world.

Is there anything worse than “planned” romance? Wait, yes, there is, but we’ll leave Sarah Palin’s palm notes and Mark Sanford’s odds of remarriage out of this.

The whole point is to have a day in which we invoke passion.

But, passion itself can prove a bit fickle. To act “in the moment,” as they say, is easy when one is young and full of hormones. But after a few Valentine’s Days, there are less and less moments in which one feels compelled to act. It simply seems contrived. A set-up for failure. Anticipation at this level is almost surely going to end with in an anti-climactic snooze.

Don’t get me wrong, I love love. I may hate romantic comedies, and most love songs, and any book with the word “love” in the title, and any item of clothing or jewelry with a heart-shaped anything, and sure, I have been called, on occasion, a veritable cold hearted cynic, but romance, amour, attraction, chemistry, sex and all that good stuff, of course I am all for it.

It just seems so fake when the world tells you —make that requires you — to feel romantic on Feb. 14.

And of course, the free market system, combined with the American idea that money can accomplish anything, makes the American Valentine’s Day a virtual free-for-all of heart-shaped candies, red and pink stuffed animals and edible clothing.

So, in the interest of people like me (if indeed there are any) who feel the holiday is over-exposed, over-hyped and over-celebrated to the point that its just over, here are a few things I feel should be pointed out:

• Valentines Day is for lovers, or those who would like to be lovers, or used to be lovers, or may become lovers — you get the picture. Companies who manufacture items that could be used for Valentine gifts will lead to you believe you should buy for everyone you know, but, this is not the case. I have, and will, give my children small tokens on Valentines Day: made heart-shaped pancakes or given then a small box of candy, but, by and large, it is a romantic day.

• Don’t buy any Valentine’s Day gifts for your pet.

• With a few exceptions, grown women, as a rule, do not like stuffed animals. As I said, some women somewhere may like them, but for us here in the real world, they are simply one more thing that will be cherished for about 26 seconds and then sit around collecting dust and breeding dust mites, until it is relegated to the garbage or the Goodwill.

• Cheap chocolates taste like, well, cheap chocolates. If you are going to go the tried and true, if somewhat clichéd, route of a heart-shaped box of chocolates, and price is a factor, buy a small box of the good stuff as opposed to an enormous box of the lower quality candy.

• Most women and some men love jewelry, and a golden bauble is considered a sure-fire way into some hearts. Unless you know the intended recipient very well, and are sure it will be well received, do not buy anything that has a heart on it that costs over $50. Simple is tasteful, an important mantra for jewelry, please choose accordingly.

• Lingerie is another gift that would seem to have no possibility of failure. It is a gift that, in my somewhat limited experience, has little chance of success. Women, by and large, are not going to enjoy donning a revealing piece of clothing, even if it is for a one man fashion show, if they have not chosen it and at least attempted to rate how it looks on their body. Especially if black or red lace is involved. One man’s sexy ensemble is a woman’s trashy get-up.

• Flowers are a Valentine’s Day staple for a reason. Like women, they are simple, romantic and smell good. Also like women, they can be corny, boring and overpriced. If you do give flowers, try to do something different, something other than red roses with baby’s breath. Find out what the flower is for the month of her birthday, research the flower used to symbolized how you feel about her, make a little effort before you pick up a computer mouse and a credit card.

• It has been said the way to a man’s heart (and possibly a woman’s as well) is through his stomach. Dinners can be romantic and fun. They can also be boring, uncomfortable and could possibly cause the need to call 911. Going out to dinner is dicey, there is a huge chance there will be corny, i.e. a single red rose at the table, endless loop of Celine Dion tunes. Cooking for your loved one can be done, but requires research and practice. Once again, keep it simple, don’t attempt Beef Wellington and Baked Alaska, a steak and baked potato will do.

• Women love French. It is not called a romance language for nuttin’. The French excel at toast, fries and kissing. Learn at least one sentence in French, doesn’t really matter what it is. “Votre départ est de me faire nerveux” sounds much better than “your staring is making me nervous.”

• For those whose love has produced offspring, I have three words for you: babysitter, babysitter, babysitter.

The main thing about Valentines Day is, like Christmas, it comes laden with expectations that can rarely, if ever, be realized. Keeping that in mind is one way to avoid disappointment. So is keeping receipts.

And, a word of wisdom from a friend: “If all else fails, get ‘er drunk.”