There has been some concern of late about the safety of Zhu Zhu hamsters. But, after much research and debate, the safety concern has been put to rest. Evidently they cannot kill you. Always a plus in a toy or a pet.

These are small mechanical rodents that apparently can manage to perform all the duties of an actual live hamster with none of the undesirable side effects. The website says they do not, among other things, die. Which real hamsters do, so I suppose that is another one for the plus column.

It seems this fake hamster is the latest in the trend of humans trying to put a little more distance between themselves and others. Who wants a real pet when you can have one that isn’t warm and soft and, well, alive? Why talk to a person using your actual mouth and vocal chords, expending air and energy why you can just type away? Virtual people, virtual pets, virtual sports, virtual towns and planets and offices, tada, no need for real people!

Lets face it: real people can be a pain. For one thing, there are so, there, so right in your space. All the time existing. If you are talking to them, they must be within hearing distance, which means they are in your general proximity. These people are close enough to, gasp, touch you! This is obviously way too much. This type of contact must be stopped. Heaven only knows what could result.

Yes, the safety zone of cyberspace, cell phone towers and virtual reality has such advantages over this touchy feely kind of life people had to live in ancient history.

The powers that be furnished the swine flu to drive this point home. Germs cannot travel over cable fibers, viruses do not come over your cell phone. One must actually touch something to get these cooties on themselves. Seems like a no-brainer to me.

Cyber people just seem like the way to go. The main attraction would be, of course, that cyber people don’t really exist, they are simply letters on a screen. Binary blips. Which means that if they do something undesirable, like say something you don’t like, poof! You can make them disappear by simply hitting a button. The power is incredible!

Throughout history, the ability to cause someone to dissipate has long been sought after. It could have really helped in countless situations. Cain could have avoided being the first dead body outline by simply closing out the Abel window. John Wilkes Booth, he needed to go. If one could have deleted Joseph Stalin or Idi Amin or Paris Hilton, wouldn’t the world be a better place?

Like pets, people and relationships that don’t really exist are far preferable to flesh-and-blood humans and having to come into physical contact with them. They can’t cut you off in traffic, can’t show up unannounced, can’t eat the last donut or smell bad or play music that annoys you. And once you rid yourself of any information that links them to you, you are home free, just like Tiger. Wait a minute ...

The more situations in which it becomes possible to avoid face-to-face contact, the more often people should take advantage of the opportunity. A buffer zone between humans at all times is called for in this age of terrorism and tea parties and cologne sold by celebrities. There is no point in going out to dinner with someone when you can just open a can of soup and have a chat. No car exhaust to kill the ozone layer, no bathing needed, no muss no fuss.

So, if you are reading this in the online version of the Williamson Daily News, good for you! If, on the other hand, you have an actual newspaper in your hands, go wash them immediately. You never know what other people have touched it. They could be real people. And that is scary.